Well, my friends, this has maybe been the least favorite month of my life. I feel like I've been walking around under a cloud. There were times (many times) when I was actually afraid I was going to die, and mentally was even trying to prepare myself for that contingency. I was trying my best to hold on to every little piece of the puzzle and control it all with my own two hands. So, even though I was praying and I was trying to be open to whatever the Lord's will was for me, I was still trying to be in control. I wanted to control my emotions and everyone else's about this situation, forgetting that those who care about me would be experiencing this right along with me.
Finally last night, I let go completely. I let it all go. The fear, the control, the uncertainty, the pain. All of it. I've been praying for weeks like I've never prayed before, and I knew that others were praying for me. I'd done all I could do. I slept well, and awoke refreshed to meet the day ahead of me. Those of you who know me well know how much I stress out about doctor appointments and then I get into this anxiety loop, then I stress about driving (especially in Salt Lake), and I'm in full on panic mode by the time I arrive at my destination.
Not today.
I was calm before the appointment with the neurosurgeon and even driving in Salt Lake. (I was grateful to have a friend with me to ground me and help me talk about other things so I didn't have the chance to overthink anything on the drive down.) Things went really well. First Dr. B told me I am an excellent candidate for both the decompression and fusion surgeries. We talked about the pros and cons of doing the two surgeries together versus separately. (I opt for together.)
Then came the all important question, "Can the surgery wait or do I have to do it now?" After examining me and looking at the MRIs from 2010 and 2013, the doctor said I appear to be functioning and stable (albeit with significant symptoms). So, he said I can wait to have the surgery as long as I can live with my symptoms. There has been no permanent neurological damage as yet and I am not in danger of losing my vision or becoming paralyzed in the near future. And....(drum roll please)...the words that changed my life, "You're not going to die from this." Holy cow, I could feel a physical weight fall from my shoulders. The cloud was gone, and I could see the sun again. I wanted to cry with relief. Everything else was a breeze.
(Other notes: Dr. B. says my left leg is extremely weak, but probably always has been and my body has learned to compensate. One side of my cerebellum is herniated farther than the other, 15 mm and 11mm respectively. I am not at risk for tethered cord syndrome-another fear that's been plaguing me.)
Dr. B feels that this surgery will be successful and that all of my current symptoms can be resolved by it. So, we're talking about doing it a year from now. The funny thing is, I'm not scared of the surgery anymore (although I am so unbelievably grateful that I have time to prepare). This surgeon is one of (if not THE) greatest Chiari neurosurgeon in the WORLD and he's right there in Salt Lake. I can't even believe the generosity of the Lord in arranging all of this so that even though I have this strange and rare brain condition, I am here in this place at this time with the greatest neurosurgeon in the world. I felt so comfortable. So safe. Sure that all things will work out how they are supposed to work out.
I know that this next year will not be a breeze. After all, I'm still living with all my symptoms. But I am living and there is light at the end of the tunnel for relief. Life is good. Prayers are answered. That's my truth.
