"It's a miracle you're walking around!"

I'll never forget the neurosurgeon saying those words to me when he looked at my MRI.  But as my exam continued, and as I was reminded of today, it was more than just a figure of speech.  He told me that my legs were really weak, my left one more so than the right.  But apparently as a child, I learned to compensate, so it was never really noticed, except that I was a bit clumsy and didn't really like to run. 

Well, I've been feeling my Chiari symptoms more so than usual lately.  As I was talking about in my last post, my shoulders and neck bother me a great deal.  But also, every now and then, my lower back will spasm and it's hard for me to move at all.  Today, my co-worker saw the problems I was having walking because of my lower back, and I've told her a little about my condition.  She's studying to be an athletic trainer at the college where we work.  So, she took me over to the gym to do a couple of minor exercises which would help release the muscle spasm.  As she was working on me, she commented on the weakness in my legs.  She asked me to push against her hands and actually thought I wasn't pushing at all.  I kept thinking about it through the evening.

At sunset, I went for my normal evening walk, and I noticed the change in my gait.  It felt as if I were only using my hip and butt muscles and just throwing my legs out in front of me, not really using the leg muscles at all.  Of course, my mind always races forward to the worst possible outcome.  I found myself thinking of having to use a walker or even being in a wheelchair, and I got really scared.

It's interesting, the sequence of events.  My therapist told me once that we sometimes receive deep spiritual insights before we go through a trial.  In the past couple of weeks, I've felt the deep spiritual insights being heaped upon me.  Especially, this weekend was extremely beautiful, and full of spiritual lessons.  Then today I was faced with my fears about my condition again.  Yesterday I was learning about grace.  The grace of God renews itself every day, every hour, every minute.  It never runs out.  So, tonight I may be afraid, but His grace will be there to sustain me tomorrow as sure as the sun will rise.

More questions

I haven't posted on this blog in a while.  On a daily basis, I try to forget that I have Chiari Malformation (a somewhat impossible task).  The daily headaches continue, reminding me every day of my limitations.  For the past few months, my neck and shoulder muscles have been impossibly tight.  The muscle relaxers failed to work, and I'm faced again with a decision.  Do I seek out a pain specialist and get pain meds for the really bad times or do I just keep muddling through. 

Essential oils, EFT, positive thinking, yoga, walking, stretches, and icing can usually keep the pain from going into full-on migraine incapacitation mode.  But these are things I have to do daily, sometimes multiple times a day.  So my day becomes a series of pain management tasks, trying to fit those in around the normal tasks of working and taking care of my actual life.

Yesterday, I had a little bit of an embarrassing breakdown in front of my best friend.  It had been a long day of pain and nothing seemed to be helping, so by the late evening, I was barely holding it together.  When my friend stopped by, I just started crying and sobbing in my kitchen.  It felt good to let it out, but I'm slightly embarrassed by my childish behavior today.

So, what do I do?  Pump more chemicals into my body?  Actually have the surgery?  Let things go as they are?

No answers, today, friends.  No answers here.