Waiting

Well, friends, the surgery vs. non-surgery game is all about waiting.  Waiting to hear back from the surgeon if he even wants to see me and now waiting for the actual appointment with him.  Another month of waiting.

I've been thinking for the past few weeks, and reading, and researching, and praying, and in every other way trying to make an informed decision about whether or not to have the surgery.  Right now I'm leaning towards not having the surgery for lots of reasons...

First, it's a gamble about whether or not I'll come out better or worse on the other side of surgery.  And there's really no kind of guarantee.

Second, the recovery time is ridiculous for the types of surgery/surgeries (probably multiple) that I would have to have for a complicated Chiari malformation like mine.  Anywhere from 3 months to a year.  (Not being able to drive or work or care for myself in that time.)  Let's face the reality here...I don't really have the support system in place to be able to deal with that type of lengthy recovery.  I have to be able to work and care for myself. This length and type of recovery would be extremely taxing to a spouse or immediate family.  I have read many stories of people who left their spouses with Chiari because they couldn't deal with the awful recovery (or lack of recovery).  How can I ask that kind of sacrifice from any of the people I love and care about in my life (although they've been awesome enough to offer)? 
Third, I have the possibility of a sweet job which I am applying for and which would start in the fall.  In fact, it's kind of the ideal job, the one I've been waiting and praying for, but didn't think would ever happen.  Now is not the time to put myself out of commission. 

But I have one more step to take before I can make my final decision, and that is meeting with and fully questioning the neurosurgeon who specializes in my condition.  (The same doctor who performed my nephew's surgery.)  And that will be a month from now.  In the meantime, more waiting.

It's become a daily goal of mine to be as positive as possible.  To look this thing in the face and stand up to it, knowing that I am not standing alone, and that the Lord is with me.  Some days are easier than others.  I've found myself appreciating the smaller joys of life.  Then there are the painful sick days, the kinds of days that made me seek medical help in the first place, and I don't feel like the strong or brave type of person that can handle this.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm just having to make a decision between two evils, one known, and one unknown.

Who knows, but I keep trying to be positive because apparently, at least so I've heard, "The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow."